The Problem-Solving Paradox
Better Question: Do you want me to listen, or do you want a solution?
In The Big Bang Theory, Penny is the beautiful blonde waitress trying to become a famous actress. It isn’t until season seven that she lands a small role on NCIS.
But when the gang gathers to watch the episode, they realize her scene was cut. She’s heartbroken and starts spiraling about her failing acting career.
Leonard, finally dating Penny after a lengthy courtship, tries to solve the problem. He sits next to Penny on her bright blue couch in the center of her perpetually messy apartment and (quite proudly) tells her that he got her an audition. She’s initially excited.
Then she learns he simply submitted an application online to be in the next Star Wars movie, something anyone could do. Leonard’s insistence that she has a leg up because she’ll be competing against nerds and geeks starts digging the hole, and comparing her to Luke Skywalker makes it deeper.
He ends the exchange by saying, “Wow, I can actually feel you hating me right now.”
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Do you want me to listen, or do you want a solution?
As humans, we want to be helpful. When someone shares a tension, many of us default to providing advice, fixing the problem, or otherwise trying to return to a state of stability.
What’s more, strategic thinkers come hardwired to find cohesion in chaos. We reflexively go into solving mode. We often enjoy the challenge.
But not everyone needs our brains on their issue. By moving straight to untangling, we rarely solve the problem. In fact, we often make it worse.
I call this the Problem-Solving Paradox.
In a traditional logical framework, a problem (P) requires a solution (S). If you do not provide a solution (Ø), the problem should remain (P).
The paradox here is that in human psychology: P + Ø = Resolved
Not providing a solution resolves the problem not because you did nothing, but because you listened. Listening makes them feel heard. Feeling heard often helps them find the solution themselves — or was what they needed.
Here’s how to put it into practice →
Like most of us, the characters in The Big Bang Theory approach the Problem-Solving Paradox differently:
Leonard struggles to feel deserving. Listening feels invisible — and therefore insufficiently helpful — so he tries to fix things. When the other person rejects that behavior, he switches to trying to do whatever he thinks they want him to do, which often frustrates them.
Sheldon cannot tolerate open loops (they make his brain itchy). Offering a solution closes the loop, making him feel better. He simultaneously dismisses emotions as illogical and offers highly rational solutions. Far from solving the problem, he makes the other person feel belittled or ignored.
Howard bypasses both options entirely by using humor to distract from the tension. He attempts to sidestep both the work of coming up with a solution and sitting with the difficult emotions — until someone shuts him down to deal with the situation.
What if we saw listening as doing? And what if we remembered that if we are truly committed to helping, it’s about the other person, not about us?
We’d ask, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want a solution?” more readily because both options would deliver value. If you’re unsure what the person in front of you would find most valuable, ask the question out loud.
This frame is even more critical in business. Listening without judgment and asking questions meant to gather insights and improve understanding leads to better solutions. First, by making the other person (or people as the case may be) feel seen and heard, you have increased trust and buy-in.
Second, listening reveals information you need to effectively shift from listening to implementation.
When we ask, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want a solution?” we can meet the other person where they are and deliver the value they seek — rather than the value we seek.
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Hi! I’m Katie
In addition to writing this newsletter, I speak, cultivate a community, and work directly with teams. Here’s how you can work with me:
Community: Join The Glaede, a space for those who find deep thinking essential and fun.
Speaking: Bring me in to challenge assumptions and explore frameworks to think more strategically.
Teams: Work with me 1-on-1 at Point:Value to ask the right questions and evolve your value.
Not sure where to start? Meet with me and we’ll unite that knot together.
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[1] dronepicr, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons (Link)
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